The Socially Awkward Normie

*You Can’t Define Me.*

I once read an opinion piece that stated being “socially awkward” meant that you were confident in social settings but lacked the knowledge of being able to pick up on social “queues”. This meant that often times you would be rude, condescending, selfish, narcissistic and were unable to understand people’s body language and lacked empathy.

I find this definition of “socially awkward” to be too black and white. Like people who are socially awkward can’t have empathy or low self-confidence as the main reason they may feel out of their element when interacting with other people.

Since when have people ever fit one mold or just one definition of something? I think it’s a little more complicated than that.

Now I want to state here that I am no expert in this field. I do not have a psychology degree or any formal education of the brain and how it functions. What I do know is that I have had social anxiety since I can remember which also made me to be awkward in most social settings.

I overthink everything (a topic for another day) and so after any conversation I have with someone, I replay everything I said in my brain over and over on repeat. Even with people I’ve known for years. Often times my thoughts sound like: “Is what I said OKAY? What if they took that comment too personally? Do they hate me now?”.

I sit in silence and have a pit in my stomach that I crossed some sort of imaginary line. I stay deep inside my inner torment until someone gives me some sort of sign that everything is A-okay and I’m able to move on until the next conversation.

I’m sure you’re thinking, “Well, are you saying things that are offensive then? Maybe you are the generic definition of ‘socially awkward’.”

My answer would be I have these internal thoughts even after having discussions on topics like food, books, or movies. I feel like this after I say I dislike fish and someone I’m working with brought fish for their dinner. These types of thoughts can take over my entire day as I worry that I offended someone I will have to eventually interact with again.

What people think consumes me inside, even if on the outside I look okay. 

This type of social anxiety and overthinking leads to me being socially awkward as I’m constantly afraid of offending people, worrying how they will portray me or if they will judge me for just being … me. That’s really the point to all of this. I’m never really being myself.

I’ve always been able to write down my feelings as a way to express them. This is something I’ve never done before and these are things I’ve never really told anyone. Letting them out to the world is a bigger deal than it might seem.

My resolution for 2024 was to push my boundaries and really come out of my comfort zone. I want people to get to know the real me and I want to be proud of that person.

I hope that by sharing how I really feel, people will finally understand me, maybe, and if not? Well, I’m working on not caring what others think! It’s a long road but I’m determined to get there.

Thanks for reading!