The Socially Awkward Normie

Often times people who are introverted can very easily be mistaken for an extrovert-but how? As it turns out people who are socially anxious or awkward find social gatherings to be exhausting and utterly stressful- I know, you’re shocked aren’t you?

So, if someone suffers from social anxiety, then how does one relieve the stress of being around other people? For me it was simply: study, plan and memorize.

Like writing a test I would study people and behaviours. I would watch shows such as Big Bang Theory, How I Met Your Mother or Modern Family and simply watch I could watch their social interactions with each other and learn. How did they engage with one another? What types of conversations were they having? Not to mention that by watching these shows I was following trends that would often be talked about in conversation- which would give me an unintentional leg up.

From there I would plan out my every move from what I would say to where I would go or what I would do. Nothing I did was impromptu. It couldn’t be- the unknown was a major source of anxiety.

New job? I’d make sure I knew the drive there and plan out the route I was going to take. Was there parking? Where’s the best spot? What times is it busy? What time do I leave the house to be early? Once I go in the front doors where do I go? Questions like these and many more I would attempt to decipher and plan out in my head. The thought of looking incompetent or lost on my first day was a fear I would try and avoid at all costs.

The next phase in my attempt to rule my social anxiety was to memorize. Throughout the phases of study and plan I would now memorize every detail of what I has witnessed or gone over in my head. I would play and replay different scenarios in my head from conversations to the where I would park. As I said-nothing for me can be impromptu.

I talk in past tense here because these are things that I have actually done in the past. Whether it be going to a party, a friend’s house for dinner, starting a new job or going to a new school, I always studied, planned and memorized my way through it.

The reality of this though is that I still do a lot of these things in order to curb my self-sabotaging thoughts. I hate when I’m alone in a crowd of people because it leaves me vulnerable- open to staring and judgement. When I am talking with other people it distracts me from eyes potentially being on me or wondering what comments may or may not be being said behind my back.

My brain needs distraction in order to have a sense of calm. In order to slow down the inner monologue that goes on 24/7 in the background. What better way to distract yourself than to throw yourself into groups of people and try your hardest to fit in even if you feel it’s not right?

I’ve had many friends over the years and granted I have made a lot of mistakes. I am not perfect. But one thing I have self-reflected on is that I often tried to make friends and fit in with people who I had literally nothing in common with. People who I thought I could learn from or was someone who I really wanted to be. Someone I admired for one quality or another.

Being socially anxious/awkward I always admired strong independent people. People who really didn’t care what other people thought. These people like to take risks and think later, which is something I am definitely not. It pushed me out of my comfort zones a lot which then led me to become anxious to be around them. I’d find myself postponing plans or flat out cancelling them altogether.

By doing this it led me to recluse for a while to recharge and refocus mentally. I needed to be alone. My friends didn’t understand. I never bothered to explain it because I felt awkward and like the odd one out. I also think a part of me really didn’t know what was going on or what exactly it was that I was feeling.

After you turn down invitations enough, they stop coming. I have lost a great deal of friends to mental health issues and my social anxiety. That being said I do feel like everything happens for a reason and that these people were not meant to stay in my life- and that’s okay.

I have coping mechanisms now and ways that I go about dealing with my struggles. I also have a great group of friends and support systems now that I didn’t have before. Everything works out for the better.

So how can an introverted individual appear extroverted to others? Simply put, in my opinion, they do what makes them feel confident in social settings. My method of study, plan and memorize helps me feel more comfortable to overcome the initial stomach churning anxiety that tells my fight or flight system to run immediately.

Another important factor to building confidence in social settings is surrounding yourself with people that make you feel safe. People who share the same values and interests. By doing this you have a good support system and people who know what you need. People who don’t get offended when you need to recluse yourself for a while because you are too socially drained.

Introverts need a system of people around them who are understanding and patient. People who won’t judge and sometimes help push them a little bit outside of their comfort zone but are there to offer support. An introvert can be an extrovert around the right groups of people. The people who bring out the best in them.