It’s Summer 2023, I’m 30+ weeks pregnant and getting extremely nervous about bringing my baby into this world. I’m afraid not only because of the labour (uhm… ow?) but because I worry how my insecurities, anxiety and mental health will affect my child.
There’s a lot to be said about mental health and the stigma behind it. If I have anxiety just being me, how can I possibly raise a confident little human being? I don’t even know what that is. I don’t even see that in myself.
Luckily, I have an amazing support system in my husband and he’s been nothing but my rock since the day we met- but is that enough? I can say that he has enough self-confidence for the both of us. He brings me out of my shell and is always getting me to try new things even when I’m hesitant or flat out determined not to. Will he be able to raise a confident child for the both of us?
One thing that I have been determined of since I was little was that I wanted to change my vocabulary when I had a baby. Not mentioning words like the “F” word (FAT) and never talk about “being skinny” or commenting on my body.
I should note here that when I was younger, I struggled with a negative self-image. This eventually led to negative self-talk, body dysmorphia and a bad relationship with food- both under and as I got older-over eating. All of these struggles I suffered with I was hell bent I never want my child to suffer through too-especially not at my own hands.
So how can someone who has all of the above-mentioned issues, raise a baby? Raise a confident baby none the less? Am I being selfish bringing a baby into my family when I myself have all of these internal struggles? Am I a bad mom already?
My baby wasn’t even here yet and my brain begins to spiral out of control. I spend a lot of sleepless nights over thinking, researching and planning how I can be the best mom for my baby. I stress, become paranoid and and toss and turn myself in and out of sleep. Although I know some of these feelings are hormones, I know that most of them is not. This is my reality- this is what I have to deal with now for the rest of my life- the feeling of “am I good enough?”
Now it’s 2024 and I have undergone a lot of major changes over the past year. My baby is finally here (despite a very hard labour and life-threatening delivery-story for a different post) and I have a new sadness I’ve never quite felt before- the baby blues. The baby blues continue on into postpartum depression and my anxiety is almost unbearable. Have I made a mistake? Was I selfish bringing a baby into this?
I didn’t leave the house for a few months postpartum and I’d have friends referring me to “Mommy and me” groups so I could get out of the house and socialize with other moms who are going through the same changes and feelings that I am-I declined.
I declined every time help was offered. I didn’t want anyone around. I wanted to be alone. On the best of days, I’m too scared to go into new social situations-now add postpartum hormones onto that and I was crippled at the thought.
All I wanted to do was cry and stare at my baby. I didn’t want them to grow up. I didn’t want that moment to end. I want the best for them, absolutely, but how could I really be giving them my best when I’m frozen still by my mental health and anxiety?
I looked deep into my baby’s eyes and that’s when the world sort of…clicked. I need to be the best I can be for them. I NEED to show them that I struggle with anxiety and I’m not afraid to admit it but also that I fight every day to overcome it.
I don’t need to hide my struggles from my baby, but be the example for them. Just like everyone makes mistakes, it’s how you own up to them that matters. That’s the important message we teach our children- it’s okay to mess up. We’re all human.
Well, I have anxiety and it’s how I handle it that matters. How I show them it’s just one part of me. Not letting it stop me or slow me down. I need to BE the example.
Since then, I have hosted and attended monthly mom nights with other neighbourhood moms that are now my friends. I have signed me and my baby up for a baby music class (which gave me extreme anxiety going to. I showed up 15 minutes early in the car just to hyperventilate before I went inside… but I did it).
The reality is I am a good mom. It wasn’t selfish bringing a baby into this world when I have my own struggles I’m working through and trauma’s I’m healing from. No one is perfect. It’s how we work on ourselves and show up for our babies that matter. It’s more important to show our kids that it’s okay to be yourself, whatever that may be; to be imperfect- because that’s what life is all about.
So, fellow socially awkward mommy’s, you are amazing, you are strong, and you are a good mom. Keep showing up and healing you. Your babies will thank you and be better for it!
*I use they/them for my baby to protect their identity and their privacy.*
The Socially Awkward Normie 