The Socially Awkward Normie

Some people thrive in organization, daily planners and to do lists. Others thrive in the chaos of throwing yourself to the wind- whatever happens, happens. When you have anxiety and/or depression, you can be caught between both worlds, being pulled in very different directions for very different reasons.

On one hand, making a to do list can calm the anxiety. Seeing everything written down in one spot, making sure you don’t forget to do something important, and that feeling of accomplishment you get as each item gets scratched off of the list and it begins to grow smaller and smaller. It’s like having a documented form of validation that you’re getting things done and making progress.

On the other hand, having everything written down in one place brings on a sense of claustrophobia. As the list grows, so does your anxiety, and then suddenly you feel like all the oxygen is being sucked out of the room.

You feel like you just shackled yourself to a contract you can’t get out of. Thinking of each individual task and all the work you have yet to get done sets your brain on a wild goose chase. “Where do I start?” “What is most important?” “How am I going to get all this done today?” “Why did I leave everything to the last minute?” “I should have gotten up earlier.” “I shouldn’t have procrastinated.” “I’m lazy for sitting on the couch and watching T.V. when I should have been working on getting everything done.”

Slowly and slowly your thoughts turn into pure self-loathing negativity. You begin to focus less and less on the tasks at hand and mentally attack yourself and your self-worth. This continues until you’ve mentally abused yourself to the point of slumping on the couch, taking a nap to make the day end, and being stuck in a body paralyzing state of depressed psychosis. The list never gets done and now you’re in a state of funk you just can’t shake off.

As the list continues to grow as the days pass you by, so does your anxiety with it. You begin to feel so overwhelmed that a day or two can easily turn into weeks of piled up laundry, eating whatever you have left in the cupboards (or eating nothing at all), missed showers and hygiene routines, over (or under) sleeping and doing nothing but going from bed to couch to bed to couch.

You skip out on seeing friends to stay at home in the house you have yet to clean. Use some time off from work (vacation, sick time etc.) to wallow in your feelings. You make every excuse in the book to not leave the depressing comfort of the four walls you call “home”.

Groceries can be delivered. Amazon Prime exists. We literally have everything available to us at the touch of our finger tips without having to walk out of the front door, and when you’re down this particular rabbit hole, it’s a dream come true. Why leave the house when you don’t have to?

This is the very real life of someone who suffers from anxiety and/or depression. When things become so overwhelming, you invert inside of yourself and create a “safe place” of self-pity and loathing. A place you’re comfortable being in as it slowly swallows you whole- like being stuck in quick sand, slowly drowning the life out of you.

If you’ve ever felt these emotional upheavals, I am sorry. I know the feelings all too well. Sometimes these feelings come on from Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), during certain times with changes in hormones, or sometimes for absolutely no reason at all. Sometimes things in life just become so overwhelming it sneaks up on you and blind sides you.

So how does one deal with these episodes of body paralyzing self-loathing mental abuse? So far, for me, it’s a mix of things that can jolt me out of my decreasing mental state.

Sometimes it takes someone reaching out to me just to check in and see how I am. This opens the door for conversation and can help me have an outlet to talk to about my struggles. During this state of decreased wellbeing we sometimes can feel like we’re alone and that nobody even cares we’re not around. Having someone message you to see how you’re doing can be an excellent mood booster and helps you feel wanted and cared for.

 Other times I try and remind myself of things that make me happy, like running for example, and try to work myself up to doing it. Doing something active each day is a great way to release endorphins and boost your overall mood. Physical activity can actually help clear the mind and get rid of some of the pent- up energy that you’ve been using for negative self-talk.

To work up to a run sometimes I just start with a little walk around the block or on my treadmill just to get the blood flowing. Usually this is met with “I really don’t want to leave the couch right now” inner monologue and both talking myself in and out of going for a run/walk entirely. I usually start on the treadmill so I don’t have to leave the comfort of my home and I won’t run into people I know.

If you don’t have a treadmill, a Youtube video of yoga, pilates, or even a body weight workout to get the heart pumping will help. Whatever type of exercise you prefer.

I have downloaded apps dedicated to meditation and positive self-talk. These weren’t my preferred methods, but they do work for tons of people and are a great tool to help shift your mindset. Podcasts and audio books are also great ways to get lost in something else other than the depths of your emotions.

Unfortunately, “snapping out of it” isn’t just something that just happens overnight. It’s not like one walk or run and suddenly I’m cured. It’s small habits that build into lifestyle routines that help impact my overall mental health. Things like tweaking my diet and drinking more water overtime helps. Taking my vitamins that I know my body is lacking helps boost my daily energy. Little tiny changes help move me into the right direction.

I have relapsed many times. I have been doing well for months to then reach a point in my life where I regress and revert back to old habits. It’s the reality of mental health struggles. Progress is never linear-check out my post on “Progress- The Emotionally Discouraging Roller Coaster Everyone is Riding” for more details on progression and relapse.

The routines and coping mechanisms I have implemented in the past have helped me from falling too deep into myself, but not every strategy is suited for every situation. Sometimes I have to go back and forth until I find something that works for me.

I also found that the people you surround yourself with will make or break your mental health. Try and surround yourself with people who you feel comfortable with. People you are not afraid to communicate with and those who have your best interests at heart. These types of people will be the ones who check in on you when they realize something is “off” or those that just let you know they’re around when you’re ready to talk.

Don’t be afraid to open up and be honest about the things you need whether it be emotional support or just someone to listen to your feelings. We all have needs both emotionally and physically and when they are met, our mental wellbeing increases tremendously.

Your mental health, anxiety and depression all starts with you. Your feelings, your thoughts, all originate from your brain. The to-do list is just a trigger for emotions and feelings that already exist.

Talk to someone (a professional) about creating long lasting coping strategies that work for you when things get overwhelmingly out of control. Unburden your mind, your body and increase your overall wellbeing. You deserve it.

Make working on your health-both mental and physical, your ultimate to-do list.

*If you or someone you know suffers from thoughts of suicide, self-harm or thoughts of hopelessness please reach out to a professional immediately for assistance.*

This blog post is the opinion of the author with real life experiences. The author is not a professional. If you have questions related to your mental health, please reach out to the appropriate channels.