Social Anxiety through the eyes of me, The Socially Awkward Normie.
I never liked being the centre of attention. I hated when all eyes were on me and my presence was noticed by others.
In high school, I used to throw in my headphones, turn on my iPod and quickly walk from class to class trying to make it look like I was late, in a rush to meet someone, or changing a song; all the while avoiding eye contact with anyone and everyone almost completely.
Knowing what I know now, this is definitely some very strong signs of someone who struggles with their mental health and social anxiety but back then, it was just the norm for me.
I was afraid to go to lunch alone; be seen alone; BE alone. When I walked up to a group of friends and they were laughing, even though the logical part of my brain would say they aren’t even talking about you, the anxious side of me, the loudest side of me, was saying “they’re making fun of you”; “they’re laughing at you”; “they hate you”.
I told lies to “fit in” telling people what I thought they’d want to hear. What I thought they’d think was “cool” or what I thought helped me to go unnoticed; to be anything other than different.
I spent my entire adolescence wearing a heavily armed and exhaustingly emotional mask that in essence, became my identity. It became someone I could hide the real me behind and it eventually became where I was comfortable. I lost myself. I lost who I was.
If I thought going to school caused anxiety when I graduated and had to go off to university I panicked. So much so that I even at the last minute cancelled all my plans, decided not to go and took a year to work. At least that way I could stay at homme, stay in my home town and be around the things that I was comfortable with; I stayed in my comfort zone.
For anyone who’s known me or knows me currently I have a hard time with change. That’s the anxiety in my I guess; I fear the unknown and things I’m not in control of.
A year later I moved to a new city alone, attended a new school alone, and had to face real world challenges alone. I thought getting an opportunity to reinvent myself would be beneficial for my mental health but it only made things worse.
I ended up slipping deeper and deeper into an endless pit of depression. I stopped eating; stopped attending school; stopped living. I eventually had to drop out, come home and try and find a sense of stability and balance. Again, coming back to my comfort zone.
Being an adult and now knowing my diagnosis of generalized anxiety and depression and social anxiety things from my childhood started to piece together. A pattern started to emerge.
Even as an adult I hated going to social events. Meeting new people made me sick to my stomach and I always would try and cancel plans last minute to relieve the overwhelming anxiety I felt. When I went into public by myself, I was always paranoid people were looking at me; judging me; talking about me. I still am, but as a child? I clung to my parents. I didn’t want to leave their side at parties. I didn’t want to play with the other kids I wanted who made me comfortable which was them.
Getting me to go out of the house was a chore and I never did it without kicking and screaming. I had a hard time sticking to anything and finishing things all the way through because I just didn’t want to be around people. I didn’t want to go. I didn’t want to be judged; so, I quit.
I have a perpetual fear of the unknown. I don’t like not having a plan. Even now before I leave the house, I rehearse different conversations I may have or different scenarios I may encounter at work, at the store or when I’m with friends.
I preplan every aspect of my life because people generally scare me. People are all different. We all think differently, act differently and we all react differently. We aren’t all an open book and you generally don’t know what someone is thinking or feeling. That uncertainty makes me uneasy and terrified. That’s why I have a hard time socializing. I’m afraid to be myself because what if someone doesn’t like me, takes my joke wrong, hates me?
People being mad at me sends me into a tail spin so when someone doesn’t like me and I know it? It eats me alive. It takes up days rent free in my brain. I have dreams about what I did or could have done differently. I think of ways to make things better or make someone like me. Things I’m learning are all toxic behaviours and that doesn’t help me at all.
I’m learning through digging into various childhood traumas that I haven’t felt enough in my life. I’ve felt inadequate, like a failure and like I could have done so much better. All of which contribute to my social anxiety and why I fear the judgements of others.
I’m working through it and trying hard to rewire my brain and realize that I am, in fact, more than enough. The right people will see my worth and that I can’t make everyone like me, AND THAT’S OKAY.
Do I have social anxiety? Yes. Is that going away overnight? No. But I can work on myself with my medications, my therapy and facing the things in my life that make me uncomfortable whether past or present, and push myself out of my comfort zone and into a life I have only ever been able to dream of.
The purpose of this blog is to reach those also struggling. For others to know they are not alone. To discuss their challenges, feel heard and come together for an inclusive community. If even one person reads this and says “wow that’s me! I understand and feel heard!” my job is complete.
Remember, you are never alone and I hope my very brief story has made you feel differently about social anxiety and the challenges those who have it struggle with daily.
No matter what you are going through, you are not alone. Your story is important.
-Meaggs (The Socially Awkward Normie)
The Socially Awkward Normie 
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