Why…?

This blog is about the thoughts, opinions and life of a woman, me, who struggles with social anxiety in a world that is built on relationships and self-confidence. Take this journey with me as I get raw and real about what it’s like to navigate life with crippling social anxiety and how it’s impacted me personally, professionally and psychologically.

 I started to notice I was a little different when I was younger. I’d watch other kids interact with each other on the playground and think they were so organic with each other. They way they interacted with each other was like second nature to them. I remember standing there just watching and wishing I could make friends that easily. I mean, why couldn’t I? They made it look so effortless, so fluid. For me, those interactions felt very different before they even began.

 I would always get these butterflies in the pit of my stomach that would lead to nausea at the thought of even approaching someone else let alone move from the spot where I stood. I’d try and pre-plan conversations in my head with all of the potential outcomes before I’d even work up the courage to walk up to another person.

Making friends in my mind felt like I was going into a battle field. I had to have a strategy already worked out in my head of all of the different things I would, could or should say because the thought of having an awkward silence would eat away at me. Sometimes I got so overwhelmed from the “monsters” in my head I’d eventually decide not to approach people at all. The odd time interactions were forced by my parents and I’d almost throw up in the washroom before social outings. Somehow I always knew, something was… different with me.

Fast forward into my high school years, I still had all the same feelings I had when I was a kid, only exasperated. Now however, being a teenager, I didn’t have my parents to push me into situations I was uncomfortable with. Now I could avoid them entirely.

One thing that changed for me was I started to never want to be alone in crowded situations. Whether that be at a party or something as simple as walking down the hallway at school, being alone with the possibility that people could stare at me ate away at me. My thoughts would wander and eventually my negative inner monologue would run wild with crazy theories and scenarios that deep down, logically I knew were probably not true, but caused so much anxiety that I’d do anything to make it stop.

I’d rush to my next class if I didn’t have a friend to walk with. I’d follow my friends around even if they were going places I didn’t want to or need to go. Sometimes I’d avoid school overall and say I was sick and stay home. All to avoid being alone just one time.

Somehow, I was convinced that by being alone I was singled out in a way that all eyes would be on me at all times. Judging me in one way or another. I knew deep down how unrealistic that was. Everyone has their own things going on. Their own insecurities and their own inner monologues that I’m not even a blip on their radar. But that didn’t stop my brain from making stories up and convincing me of the latter.

It’s a funny thing- what the brain can do. One minute it can tell you to keep going and push through your inner demons and the next it can let them take over your entire world until they swallow you whole. I was always told to change the narrative. Think positive happy thoughts and stop worrying about what others say and do. That’s much easier said than done.

Even today, it takes me longer than most to make friends. I find it harder in social settings today because now it’s up to me to build relationships on my own. Unlike high school where you had classes with people every day, or college/university where you lived in a dorm and were introduced to dozens of new people every single day, being an adult means that I have to make friendships and relationships all on my own. But how?

My social anxiety often leads me to canceling plans or me spending hours throughout the day psyching myself up to leave the house. I still plan conversations in my head so I can try and expect the unexpected, but that doesn’t always work. It’s my coping mechanism so I feel prepared in situations I am unfamiliar with. With people I am unfamiliar with.

I’m sharing my story in hopes that this helps even one person find comfort that they don’t suffer from this gnawing social anxiousness and awkwardness alone.

 My posts will be about me and how I’m navigating my life the “socially awkward” way!